KAMPALA – A Ntinda woman who broke up with her boyfriend last month is still convinced he will happily help her move houses, fix her Wi-Fi, and listen to her complain about her boss—because, of course, those favours were never about sex.
After ending their three-year relationship, Tracy Mbabazi remains certain that ex-boyfriend Ivan Ssebaggala will still rush over to jump-start her car, lend her his favourite hoodie (the one he never lets anyone else wear), and rehang her clothes on the wire—because obviously, he did all that just out of the kindness of his heart, not because they were dating.
“Ivan and I agreed that nothing should change just because we broke up,” Tracy said, eating her Rolex with nyanya mbisi. “So obviously, he’ll still come over to fix my leaking tap and listen to me rant about that bitch Brenda from Finance. I’m still using his Netflix password, and I told him I’ll crash at his place this weekend after clubbing with the girls. He can still hold my weave when I’m vomiting at 2 am—just like old times!”
“The only difference now is I’m on Tinder looking for new guys,” she added. “But I make sure to update Ivan on every match, so he doesn’t feel excluded. He’s my emotional support ex—when a guy ghosts me, Ivan is there to pick up the phone and reassure me. He’s not just an ex; he’s my part-time mechanic, IT guy, therapist, and hoodie supplier. And I’m sure I do things for him too… probably.”
When Kiwani Post reached for comment, Ivan sighed and said, “I have no comment.”
